Yes, my darling daughter
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Because as much as she could hate her, her mother still remained her poor role model. Lois' influence on Karen's life. Based on the song of the same name. WK fic.
1. Check n4201 784 56

**Yes, my darling daughter**

**_I've gotta be good or mama will scold me_**

**_Yes, yes, yes_**

_October 1971, Kansas_

_She felt stupid in that dress, uncomfortable and lame but her mother had said that it suited her very well. She turned around, observed how the turquoise satin caress her ankles in the fluid movement then made a face; rolled her eyes. The door flew open in her back. Her hazel eyes followed the entrance, always studied even at home when there was nobody. She swallowed back her anger and didn't move as the manicured fingers came to rest on her shoulder. _

_"You have put on weight, Kiki."_

_And who was the one to blame, honestly? She frowned, shook her head at her mother and pulled nervously on her dress. They spent most of their time on the road, stopping by old diners where the grease of the food had ended up penetrating the plastic chairs. They hadn't had a proper, healthy meal in years and for some reason now, her body didn't eliminate the aliments as well as it used to. Her hips once so thin had turned curved and she had lost the tiny frame _ almost angelical _ of her child face. At the same time she was twelve._

_"We don't care. Anyway it's all about appearances, darling, that and how to take advantage of what you've been given. We just will go into darker shades the next time. Black and dark red will be perfect. You will look like a porcelain doll with this pale complexion. Adaptation; think about adaptation. This is your word."_

_Did she ever realize how ridiculous she looked while gesticulating like that? A shameful imitation of The Actors Studio method; she was born to control the whole world with a fake easiness. It always turned absurd at the end but you nonetheless abdicated, tired. It fed her self-esteem of a disgusting pretention to be right and fair._

_They left the bedroom and crossed the tiny kitchen in a religious _ unless it was anxious _ silence. She had already her hand on the doorknob when the hoarse voice stopped her, made her turn around._

_"Now don't forget, Karen. Men are all the same: easy to manipulate but indispensable if you want to have success. Do you want to have success?"_

_Polite nod; she didn't care at all._

_"Use your brain, play your cards one by one. Just do what mama says and it will be alright."_

_It was just a stupid afternoon. But yet her first date._

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She folded the rectangular paper and slid it in an envelope, considering the fact it might be time to change the amount. After all these years it looked like her mother respected the rules without complaining and actually stayed away from her, didn't try anything that would put a definitive end to the monthly missive. The thought stirred up an invisible smile on her lips.

Like Lois Whitley would ever renounce to money…

Grace rushed in the office and subconsciously put an end to Karen's wonders. She could have gone on and pretended to keep herself busy with daily mails but for some reason those checks always made her feel uncomfortable. So she opened a magazine nonchalantly and hid the name written down on the envelope; ridiculously enough as it couldn't stir up the slightest doubt over anything.

Her gesture passed completely unnoticed, as usual.

"Karen, where were you last night? I tried to call you at the manse but Stanley told me you were out with Jack."

Her heart began to pound faster in her chest, her throat tightened as Grace looked up from a sketch and raised an inquisitive eyebrow at her before completing her comment.

"Jack was with me by then."

All of a sudden a shiver ran down her spine as the reminiscence of her sigh getting lost against his bare shoulder _ her back arching under his thrusts _ rushed to her mind. She still could feel the heat of his hand on her lower back, his moist lips on her skin. She swallowed hard.

"I was with a very good friend of mine at The Astor Café."

It was a semi-lie, barely a whisper of some made-up story at the end. They had made it at The Astor before getting some more intimacy. A few seconds flew away in the incertitude of the suite to give to the conversation and she was about to add something when he came in, sipping some coffee. Their respective gazes crossed each other's one in a quiet, vaguely fainted indifference.

Turning his back at her, he leaned against her desk and started speaking with Grace. In other circumstances she would probably have been offended by the lack of respect he was pretended to give to her but she only saw it as a game. He was a teaser and she loved it.

Very slowly she moved her chair slightly on her right to disappear completely from Grace's eyes then took off her high heels. Her foot made contact with his pants _ the soft fabric putting some distance between their skin _ and she began to caress his ankles, going up his legs playfully. She wished he could have turned around and taken her roughly.

Perhaps later in the evening she would see her wish granted; if he hadn't any other plan and accepted to make it downtown. She would have cancelled so many things for a couple of hours with him.

She stopped his way out by shoving the envelope in front of his eyes. On the contrary of Jack and Grace, she knew that he wouldn't ask for details about it.

"I need to post this, honey."

He looked pissed; she bit her lower lip. The regular five seconds passed by and he grabbed it, his fingers brushing hers with subtlety.

"Thank you, Will."

She smiled and leaned her head on a side. Her mind was already off, lost in the anticipation of the upcoming night.


	2. Check n4201 784 88

**_I asked her and this is what she told me_**

**_Yes, yes, yes_**

_December 1972, Alabama_

_She couldn't believe that six years had already passed by. Almost half of her life without him and they hadn't come back a single time to his grave. No, they had kept on packing, hitting the road and ruining what was left of their family for incomprehensible purposes that only made them feel sad and frustrated at the end. She looked at her mother holding another man's hands; another man... Pushed by a barely contained anger she clenched her fists and stormed out of the living-room, slammed the door violently as silent tears began to run down her cheeks. Her heart was burning, her throat tightening under the torrent of sobs shaking her whole body. If she wasn't able to forget him, how could her mother even think about dating?_

_It didn't take very long before a soft knob resounded on the door in an apologetic motion that might have looked sincere if it didn't come up every time that they were in the middle of some crisis. She hated it, like all the rest; those houses she had to make hers with the sharp conviction that as soon as her sentiments would flirt with honesty, she would have to leave. Her mother entered the bedroom and kneeled down next to her. _

_"Karen, honey…"_

_The rare times she was called by her name only reflected the fact that her mother actually didn't really know what to say and she used it as an artifice to win time and prepare a so-called convincing argument that always ended up in a ferocious debate, a dead-end one too._

_"I miss him too but I'm not allowed to spend the rest of my life crying over his loss."_

_It took her aback. She hadn't expected such a confession. A shy smile played on her lips; she shook her head. _

_"I wish I had died with him."_

_She heard her mother gasp and suspend her hand in the air, putting an abrupt end to the gentle caress she had been bringing to her hair. Then a heavy silence persisted and she didn't dare to look up, cross her gaze. It wasn't awkward but extremely fragile somehow, desperate. _

_"Oh, Kiki… Look at your nails. They're so neglected!"_

_She let her grab her hands and turn them upside down in a fake observation of her last manicure. She wished they could speak, at least once._

_"You have to take care of them properly, you know. Especially since you're dating this boy; Justin, is it? A girl has to work on her appearances. Do you like him? He's nice, isn't he? Just perfect for you, darling..."_

_She frowned and swallowed back another wave of tears then murmured politely._

_"Yes he is."_

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She liked being on top. It gave her a sentiment of superiority and control when the intensity of her feelings put her at the mercy of anything. It seemed reassuring somehow. Besides she could look at him, lock her eyes with his as his hands were running throughout her shivering body. Apparently Will didn't mind about the position so she could easily manage to get her favorite.

Her lips planted a kiss on his shoulder blade; she loved the sensation of his skin against her. His was soft and she could have spent hours and hours just tracing imaginary paths over it. Her fingers went up his lower stomach, caressed his neck.

"What are you thinking about?"

The sudden question vaguely made him jump. He plunged his brown eyes in her hazel ones and smiled. She was raising her eyebrows, waiting sagely for an answer, her head leaned on her arm.

"I think it's a beautiful day. Look at the sky; it's so blue. Besides, the air is warm."

Still straddling him Karen turned around and looked by the window. They changed hotel every week; not in the fear to get caught but just to avoid some monotony. After all it was probably the exact reason why they had ended up in bed the first time. Today they had chosen a little place _ still pretty cozy _ in the heart of Greenwich Village and for once the view opposite the street wasn't another brick building but a row of trees; and the sky, that is, of a limpid blueness. She nodded but stayed quiet.

"It's only March, 15th and it's already so springy…"

The date set off a frank panic in her head. She looked back at him with seriousness then frowned. Could she really have forgotten about it?

"Are you sure today is 15th?"

"Yes, I am; why?"

"Nothing… It's just… Well, give me a second."

She leaned over and kissed his lips softly before rolling on her stomach at the very far end of the bed, pushing away the sheets; offering an intimate view of her whole naked body to Will. It made him smile, vaguely laugh as she bent over and grabbed her bag.

"What are you doing?"

Nudity had never been a problem in itself to Karen. She might not be so perfect at the end but she had finally made the peace with her curves and was learning little by little how to respect them properly. It worked out pretty well and she had dropped a large amount of her inhibitions, even more when with Will. She raised a foot in the air as to stop him then took out her check book.

"Why I thought it was clear that I didn't need to get paid for what we were doing here…"

"Very funny, honey… Give me five seconds, please."

Would she ever get mad or feel abandoned, forgotten for not getting the check on time? The idea invaded Karen's mind and she tried to ignore it. She just didn't want to set off any kind of conflict; not now that everything seemed to go smoothly. Her body got tense as she felt Will's lips on her ankle, his hands going up her legs slowly. She smiled, still concentrated on her writing.

"Well you're insatiable today, what's going on?"

His fingers passed her buttocks; his lips arrived on her lower back. She swallowed hard. How come they could share such a degree of lust without feeling the slightest remorse? She spread her legs as he settled against her; his body so hot.

"Is the sun turning you on, honey?"

His breath reached her ear, stirring a wave of warmness in her stomach. She was succumbing slowly.

"Your body doesn't depend on the weather fluctuations to cause those effects on me."

"Ain't you sweet…"

She detached the check, folded it and slid it in her bag before putting it all back on the floor. She rolled on her back, locked her eyes with Will's and took him in her hands.

"Exactly what I needed to hear…"

They kissed.

She left a couple of hours later when he was still in bed, observing her comings and goings; her full strip-tease in reverse. He loved contemplating women busy with their things; she didn't really mind and so she was always the first one to leave.

"Have a good night, honey."

She planted a soft kiss on his lips, grabbed her bag and headed out; the check book sliding off of her Vuitton and falling on the floor just next to Will's belongings.


	3. Check n4201 785 07

**_Mother, may I go out dancing?_**

**_Yes, my darling daughter_**

_June 1973, Ohio_

_She looked with perplexity at the box and blushed when her silence provoked her mother's exasperation. Almost apologizing, she shook her head and shrugged, twisting her hands nervously on her lap; hidden under the table of the kitchen._

_"Damn Karen, it doesn't burn! These are just…"_

_"I know what they are. I'm not so stupid. It's just that I don't need them, not yet. I…"_

_She had never been so embarrassed in her whole life. With the years passing by, the slightest conversation with her mother was turning into a pure nightmare and they had probably missed it out at the end. It was too late now; they would never be close enough to share any important moment of their respective lives. _

_She bit the inside of her mouth as she heard her laugh. Making fun of people was low and she really hoped that she would never come to such a pitiful defense on her own. _

_"You're fourteen years old. You should thank me for buying them for you; which is sad in itself. I'm sure you don't even know how to put them on, do you?"_

_She looked down; second sigh of exasperation. How could her mother expect from her that she would be sexually active when they barely stayed at the same place three months in a row? She barely knew the concept of friendship so it was easy to guess that she hadn't approached yet the practical aspects of sex. _

_"Try on that."_

_Her mother put down a banana on the table, just in front of her. She rolled her eyes, tried to slow down the quick pace of her heart. Sometimes she fantasized about the fact she might have been adopted at the end and that would explain the reason why they were in a constant fight._

_"Mom, I'm not going to do that; not now. It's ridiculous."_

_"Oh, so you want to be a loser? You want to mess up your life and end up in a hole in the middle of nowhere, preaching ridiculous, ancestral ideas? You're not a child anymore, you have to learn about these things and try. You're playing your fate right now. What you're doing these years is going to determine the adult you'll be. And sex is a part of it if you don't want people to look at you with pity. Use all the things you've been given to succeed; just like me, darling."_

_She scanned the room and restrained a bitter laugh. This house was worse than a motel, just a poor rickety shack in the suburbs of a lifeless town. Her mother grabbed her chin and made her look at her._

_"You want to get success, don't you?"_

_Polite nod_

_"Then try!"_

_She grabbed a condom; then the banana._

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She grabbed the wrapper and ripped off the strip in a mechanical gesture, took it off; slight flexion of her finger to check the rolls were actually on the outside. She held the tip with one hand and unrolled the condom down in a semi-caress, sensual tease as her fingers brushed his sensitive flesh. It was all about soft gestures, slow ones and the most important, never neglect the rest of the partner's body. After all her mouth wasn't busy on the application so she still could use it somewhere else; she had a thing for light kisses.

It was a foreplay she liked a lot as a matter of fact, a good way to arouse both lovers, and the time she took to put it on _ depending on her mood _ was a clear indication of what she was expecting; rough sex or not.

Her kisses led her back to his mouth as she straddled him properly; sighed of pleasure.

"Where did you learn to put on a condom like that? It was divine, almost as good as..."

"Sorry but you know I don't like that."

"It's ok... So? Where did you learn?"

Will's question made her freeze as her eyes stayed locked with his. She swallowed hard, thinking about summer '73 and the headache for having concentrating so long on the banana. She cleared her voice and smiled nervously.

"Never mind…"

Her tongue looked for his and she began to move slowly on top of him.

Whenever she slept with Will, she always had in mind _ at some point _ the first orgasm she had had with him. It had taken her by surprise and stirred up a sexual avidity that her marriage and the intimate routine with Stanley had buried for quite a while. She knew her husband by heart, how long she needed to reach her own climax; how to get it. Will had broken into pieces the comforting evidence of the act, logically enough. He was another man and had other habits. The unexpected spontaneity of her body had multiplied her senses and thinking she had got it with Will had made her feel dizzy. He was a friend, supposedly not interested that much into women but it was nonetheless him between her legs; satisfying heat of an affair.

She arched her back and moaned; closed her eyes.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

"Are you available tomorrow night?"

She zipped her skirt then turned around; looked at him questioningly. He smiled, shook his head with perplexity.

"Do you ever have a break?"

"Not when it's so good, honey…"

She bent over for their ritual good-night kiss and was about to leave when he grabbed her wrist. His sudden gesture confused her.

"You forgot your check book the other day. It's in my jacket, take it."

An icy shiver ran down her spine and she didn't move for a couple of seconds, simply studied his eyes. How could she trust him so much when after all he was hiding from his best friend the object of his late-night activities?

She finally grabbed it with a shaking hand, plunged it in her bag.

"Thank you, honey…"

Her whisper got lost in the loud noise of a truck passing in the street below. She headed out, a bit confused. Had his curiosity pushed him to notice the slightest thing in her check book? She had ordered a new one the exact morning, thinking she had lost it; if only.


	4. Check n4201 785 22

**_Mother, may I try romancing?_**

**_Yes, my darling daughter_**

_June 1974, Michigan_

_She closed the door behind her and leaned against it, breathless. Her hands were shaking, as well as her knees. The skin of her inner thighs seemed sticky. She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. She felt dirty and so she decided on an impulsive whim that she needed a shower immediately. She crossed the living-room and was heading to the bathroom when her mother came up, leaned on the doorframe of the kitchen. Would she ever try to find a proper job instead of going from a man to another one just to get the required amount of money per month? It made her angry and she couldn't help thinking about her own father; she was sorry for him, for the lack of respect he was receiving._

_"Where do you come from like that, Kiki? Your hair is a mess, your clothes are all creased and your lips are so swollen that we could think you've just been bitten by a bee!"_

_It hadn't really hurt. As a matter of fact she had found it boring when in all her previous fantasies she had imagined that it would be more intense, a bit sweeter too. Did she regret it? She looked down at the carpeted floor and frowned, not knowing what to think. Perhaps it would have been more glorious if she had actually liked him._

_"Nothing, I just ran back home. I have a lot of homework to do…"_

_Her mother narrowed her eyes at her before turning on her heels in a sigh of exasperation. _

_She wished she could have told her about it even though she wasn't sure that she would have got her approbation, no matter it'd have been a year now since the episode of the banana and the condom. But still, a first time remained so important that it was always good to have someone to talk about it to._

_For her part, she felt slightly ashamed; and relieved somehow, pretty happy at the end. She nodded to nothing in particular and went to the bathroom, wondering how her teacher would look at her now. _

_Probably with different eyes and the weight of a secret that was about to change a lot of things in her life…_

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He felt like he was betraying her, violating the rules of her own privacy. But why was Karen so secretive at the end? If she dropped out her mask from time to time he would probably not need to go on like that. Swallowing back his remorse, Will entered the bar and narrowed his eyes before the obscurity of the place; the smoky atmosphere left by millions of cigarettes. It was just a pub like any other one with its sticky tables and disillusioned waitresses. He went straight to the counter of the bar, trying to look at his ease.

"Excuse me... I'm looking for Lois Whitley."

"She's out there."

The guy pointed out at a woman holding a tray in one hand, vaguely cleaning a table. For a couple of seconds Will thought about going away. It was none of his business and would never be. How would he be able to face Karen then? As troubling as their relation had turned to be, he didn't want to mess up everything just for a ridiculous and childish act of curiosity. After all it was just a name, a recurring one maybe but she might have been a friend, an old acquaintance; nothing more. The weird thing was that Karen had actually never mentioned this Lois when she used to talk so often about people who gravitated around her daily routine.

"Are you Lois?"

Before him realizing it, he found himself in front of her; feeling stupid. She looked up at him and smiled mischievously, exactly as Karen would have done. All of a sudden a couple of suppositions took possession of his mind but he pushed them away almost immediately.

"Yes, I am. Who are you?"

"I'm Will, Will Truman."

Confused, she nonetheless shook his hand but her silence only managed to emphasize the need of an explanation. Will smiled.

"I'm a friend of Karen, Karen Walker. Do you know her?"

The question made Lois burst out laughing. With a hand on her hip, she raised an eyebrow at Will and nodded.

"She's my daughter."

It was like his heart had just stopped beating, wrapped up in a burning iciness of surprise. He shook his head; now it was his turn to be confused, unsure of the reaction he was supposed to adopt.

"She told us you were dead…"

In normal circumstances Will would have never dared to make such a comment. It was way too painful, extremely mean. The words had just slid along his lips with disconcerting evidence, hitting the air in a harsh whisper. Lois smiled back at him, bitterly; shrugged.

"I guess I am at some point. She drew a line under me."

xxxxxxxxx

She arched her back and bit her lower lip as his hand came to rest on her lower stomach and he speeded up the pace of his thrusts. She could feel his whole body against hers, behind, as his legs had wrapped her thighs in a warm embrace. She turned her head around and captured his lips; sighed in his mouth.

His fingers moved down on her skin and she giggled as they reached between her legs.

"I don't really need that now, honey."

Her voice was hoarse; it reminded him of Lois. He came back to sweet caresses on her breasts and tried to push aside the unexpected meeting with Karen's mother. The paroxysm of his sensations took him away very quickly as he felt her shiver under his touch, hold her breath.

She grabbed his nape and pulled him closer to her back as her orgasm spread over her whole body. She was supposed to leave on vacation with Stanley the next morning but to be completely honest, she felt like canceling.


	5. Check n4201 785 45

**_What if there's a moon, mama darling_**

**_And it's shining in the water_**

_November 1975, Illinois_

_Her wrist finally got released from her mother's clutch and she rubbed it softly. She still could feel the nails digging her skin in a painful motion that reached far above a mere physical aspect. Her heart had also been hit, broken into pieces._

_"What the hell are you thinking about, Karen? Have you ever listened to what I've been telling you all along these years?"_

_As a matter of fact, she hadn't done anything else than to bear in silence the constant remarks, the unbalanced routine of an incomprehensible way of life and the truth was that she was lost now. Something was missing _ a vital element of the chain _ and nothing would make sense anymore because it was too late. But instead of advancing such argument, she simply shrugged. Provocation had become a very good weapon that she used with a bitter maestria. _

_"He's a nice guy."_

_"Oh yes, sure… And last week you were telling me the same about his brother!"_

_"Well you should be happy; at last I'm getting laid. Isn't it what you wanted after all?"_

_"Sex is supposed to be a good mean to see your wishes granted and succeed but certainly not to turn you into a sixteen-year-old slut who ends up in the backseat of cheap cars every week!"_

_The word hit her brain before going down straight to her heart and wrapped it up in a veil of ice. It cut her breath, dry the tears that had been asking to well up in her eyes. Something had just stopped working properly and it blocked the way out to her emotions. She felt like she was dead, completely lifeless. How could her own mother have dared to assimilate her to such a low, mean notion?_

_A couple of seconds flew away. They were both shocked, as if their perpetual fights had just reached a level where the words didn't have their place anymore and everything had been said; probably regretted too. _

_"Oh… Kiki… I didn't mean…"_

_"No…"_

_Hand in the air to stop her mother's so-called apologies she made a few steps backwards and shook her head; narrowed her eyes and bit her lips. The door of her bedroom got closed almost too silently._

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A whole month had passed by and he hadn't found the courage to speak to her about Lois; what he knew from a past she kept on denying all along. He had tried several times but the whole process of anxiety always ended up taking possession of his mind and it turned him in the complete incapacity to start the slightest conversation. Besides, their encounters weren't really made for words. They had defined the rules since the very beginning and preferred sex over talking; that was all.

"Will, is everything ready?"

He nodded at Grace and checked the table for the last time. A bottle of Champagne was resting in the center among a dozen of presents and a big, red greeting card on which they had all written down the traditional wishes. Everything seemed so perfect... Perhaps too much at the end.

It would have explained then the reason why he was desperately trying to hide his shaking hands.

In a nervous gesture he rearranged an envelope, his fingers brushing the title of the note.

_Happy birthday, Karen_

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She planted herself in front of a mirror and studied her reflection. Had she put on weight?

"You're perfect."

As if he had guessed her wonders, Stanley stood up from his armchair and planted a kiss on the top of her head. She smiled at him, sincerely but with an extreme fatigue, a deep lassitude that had been weighing a lot on their couple lately. Once, in Texas, she had heard an old lady saying that after a decade or so, a marriage started fading and the lovers stopped speaking. It had shocked her somehow and she had persuaded herself that it had only resulted from a disillusioned existence; the bitterness of having lived a bit too long.

Her eyes got locked with Stan's and she apologized quietly. She might have changed her mind about the so-called scandalous theory.

"Is it a new dress? It's beautiful."

"Yes, it is. Jack and I went to Barney's this morning."

She hated him for being so nice with her, so attentive. Sometimes she wondered if he was blind or simply refused to accept the naked, harsh truth; unless he had abdicated to what looked like a mere logic _ as if he didn't deserve her _ and then she felt so guilty towards him.

"You look like you're twenty-one."

The remark made her laugh and she raised a dubitative eyebrow at her husband.

"Why twenty-one, honey?"

"It is the legal age to have a drink."

"Like it ever stopped me…"

Karen winced before turning around. She grabbed her bag, looked at Stanley then took a deep breath.

"Are you ready?"

Polite nod; it reminded her of another time, another life.

"Then have fun with your friends. Spend a nice evening… Happy birthday, Karen…"

Stanley leaned over and was about to search for her lips when he stopped all of a sudden, almost embarrassed. He kissed her forehead instead; it broke her heart. How had they come to this point where the mere gesture of care was seen as an offense? How come she had no regret in spending her birthday with her friends over than staying home with the man she had married? It sounded sad; inevitable though.

"Do you spend the night over at their place?"

Her hazel eyes fixed his brown ones. She thought about Will; stared at Stan.

"I'm not sure yet."


	6. Check denied

**_Mother, must I keep on dancing?_**

**_Yes, my darling daughter_**

_June 1982, New York City_

_She had left home on Christmas Eve when the atmosphere had turned unbearable. Everything had changed since the day her mother had said the word. 'Slut'; it still resounded loud in her head, tightened her heart in a painful motion. From then on both of them had known that their lives would be better apart; no matter how. Her departure had been welcomed by a complete indifference. She would go to her aunt Annabel _ her father's sister _ who had the credits to live far from Chicago. With all the journeys that had alimented her childhood, curiously enough she had never made it to Manhattan. But she was so tired of discovering new places that she had sworn to herself this one would be her very last trip. _

_She had graduated from high school and got accepted to Sarah Laurence where she had majored in Anthropology. For having lacked traditions and balanced schemes, she had wanted to study them and try to understand why people barely paid attention to them when they were so fascinating. She had had dreams of independence, becoming a professor maybe and writing articles for specialized publications that only a few people would ever consider to read. But without really understanding why, she had given up and decided to get married instead. Just like that as soon as someone had looked at her and been nice; she had said yes, scared and excited. Had she actually been in love? She still had serious doubts about it._

_When she sat down in front of her mother on a sunny afternoon of June, she frowned and wished for a couple of seconds that she hadn't sent her any invitation for the ceremony. Annabel had insisted and it was pretty fair at the end. Six years and a half had passed by since the last time they had met but nothing seemed to have really changed. The anger was still perceptible, as well as the regrets._

_"So where do you live now?"_

_"We have a penthouse on Park Avenue. He is a lawyer, works for his father…"_

_"That's a nice area. I'm glad you finally get some success."_

_She clenched her fists at the remark and swallowed back her frustration. She didn't want to throw a fit now, there; but the truth was that she was fed up with this talk, the whole success argument she had been listening to since forever. Within a month now she would become a millionaire, own a dozen of buildings in Manhattan and yet if it was what success tasted, then she preferred to fail._

_"Are you thinking about getting children?"_

_"Yes… I mean, I guess. He wants a big family; I'm just not ready yet. I'm only twenty-three."_

_"And I got you when I was twenty. Darling you should accept his offer, you know. Besides it's the best way to keep a man at home if you see what I mean."_

_She felt like bursting into tears. She finished her Martini instead and lit a cigarette; she was nervous._

_"I'll consider it."_

Check denied

As soon as Lois entered the flat wishing her a happy birthday, Karen's breath became loud and heavy. Her manicured nails dug in the palm of her hands and all of a sudden, she found herself storming out under the incomprehension of her friends and Rosario who had been filming all along. She hadn't thought that Jack would even notice the recurrence of the name in her check book; she would have never thought that her mother would accept. What would it become of the rules, their own silent conditions to the monthly amount of money she gave in order Lois stay away from her? How would she explain the real situation to some people who actually trusted her? She felt ashamed, angry and confused.

What would they think about someone who paid her own mother to avoid the slightest conversation? The doors of the elevator got closed and she looked down.

It was just inhuman.

She stepped out of the building and gasped, realizing for the first time that she hadn't taken her coat _ even less her bag _ and was now in the middle of the street on a January evening. She shivered, bit her lips before turning around and going down Riverside Drive slowly. She didn't have money to actually hail a cab. She reached the corner with 76th street and leaned on a wall, swallowed back her tears.

"This is just the best way to get sick."

His voice made her jump but she stayed still as he put on her shoulders her forgotten coat. She had secretly hoped that he would go for her; no matter he was probably as confused as the others about her sudden, violent reaction.

"Here's your bag. You just missed the big announcement of the evening… Grace and I are moving out! We found a bigger apartment."

She buttoned her coat and took her bag but didn't say a word; didn't dare to look at him properly.

"Do you want to go back home?"

She shook her head. How would she explain to Stanley the reason why she came back so early from her own birthday party?

"I want to have a drink…"

The remark made Will smile and he leaned over to kiss her head then passed his arm around her tiny frame.

"Ok let's hit a bar."

She told him everything about her past, barely drank. The words were sliding along her lips in a relieving motion as her eyes were locked with his with a rare intensity. She didn't even feel like crying, just being listened. He did. A couple of hours passed by and she gasped whilereaching the end of her singular story; a bit breathless. Will had stayed quiet, barely moved. The heat of his hand on hers surprised her but she let him do and whispered.

"I want you to hold me in your arms for the rest of the night…"

They found a small hotel near Central Park.


	7. Check waiting for investment

**_What if he'll propose, mama darling_**

**_When the night is growing shorter?_**

_November 1986, Vermont_

_She had never wanted to take part in those family reunions for feeling so different. She didn't understand their jokes, barely accepted their political points of view and only frowned, vaguely confused, when they stared at her with a half-hidden disillusion. She had firstly thought that it was all because she was a teenager but the years had passed by _ she had grown older, wiser _ and nothing had changed. She remained an alien in the middle of a patchwork of people she couldn't recognize as relatives. _

_But the circumstances had won against her and she had found herself alone for Thanksgiving. Without really knowing why _ rejecting the mere idea she could feel like spending some time with them _ she had sent back an affirmative reply to her aunt's invitation and was now standing next to the fireplace in an old manor lost under the snow of Vermont. A dozen of cousins had already arrived and they were all chatting friendly in the large living-room overlooking the mountains but the cacophony was exhausting to her ears and so she had left for the quietness of the library. _

_She knew her mother would come, she always did. Perhaps she would bring her sister with her. She hadn't seen her in twelve years. She probably had changed a lot; they had never really got on well either. Her brother wouldn't arrive before late in the afternoon, business meetings keeping him stuck in San Francisco. She didn't even know what kind of career he was leading now._

_She could have stayed in New York and almost regretted it for a couple of seconds but the truth was that she had been realizing lately that she had absolutely no friend to rely on; not even acquaintances and the penthouse seemed so cold when nobody was around._

_"Miranda told me you would be here."_

_Instinctively she clenched her fists angrily as the hoarse voice pierced the silence of the room. She looked up, taking a deep breath; then smiled at her forcefully. _

_"Happy Thanksgiving, Karen…"_

_"Happy Thanksgiving, mom…"_

_Silence back, so quickly; did they really have nothing to talk about? They hadn't seen each other in years, since her wedding actually. Her heart tightened; she ignored it._

_"So where are you living now?"_

_"I headed to Brooklyn, nice area. And you, still in Manhattan I suppose?"_

_Polite nod… Wasn't it funny how some gestures could come back so easily after a whole decade of absence?_

_"And how's life going, Kiki? You look tired."_

_"We're getting a divorce. He met someone."_

_She would have never imagined that the first person she would break the news to would have been her mother, for obvious reasons. _

_"Well… Perhaps if you hadn't let yourself go like that… I mean, you put on weight, darling."_

_""I'm pregnant."_

_"Oh… Then maybe…"_

_She passed her tongue over her lips and looked up at the ceiling as she felt the bitterness of her tears reach her eyes, one more time. She'd been crying way too much lately. _

_"It's an ectopic pregnancy."_

_She couldn't help but jump at the sudden contact of her mother's hand on her arm but she didn't push her away. She was too tired for that._

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Why you shouldn't."_

Check waiting for investment

She loved everything about her adultery with Will; from the casualness of her thong sliding down along her legs to the moment she stepped out of the hotel and looked around, a smile on her lips for feeling alive and having a secret she wasn't about to share.

He was a nice lover, extremely attentive. Perhaps it only resulted from his lack of experience with women and didn't really know about straight men's behaviors in the most intimate instants. She wouldn't have been able to say though at the end she was glad he was different; and sweet, so sweet.

Curiously enough they had never had inhibitions, not even the very first time they had undressed each other and discovered through a trail of kisses and a cloud of caresses the desire of their bare flesh. There wasn't any interrogation, any doubt. Of course they both knew how delicate their situation was but it didn't really matter or at least they kept it for themselves. She had never been unfaithful before, hadn't even thought about the eventuality of it. Until that day she had kissed him and shivered under his touch.

He rolled on top of her and she smiled in his mouth, squeezing his waist tighter.

She loved their complicity, the way there wasn't any commitment and she felt light then. He used to kiss her deeply when she reached her orgasm, always caressed her nape. Did they actually have a routine? She really didn't think so. Time was just passing by and they got to know each other by heart, that was all.

She zipped her skirt, put on her top; turned around and planted a soft kiss on his lips.

Always five steps away from the hotel and she stopped all of a sudden, reached the pocket of her jacket; put back her wedding ring on.

She was fond of what was happening and if she could have talked about it, then she wouldn't have hesitated the slightest bit.

But the only thing Karen didn't like about her adultery was that she was actually married.

She hailed a cab and climbed on it, slammed the door.

"Barney's, please…"

_You two should try to have a talk some day._

The car drove off and left Lexington Avenue but as Will's words hit back her mind unexpectedly, she shook her head; cleared her voice.

"Let's go to Brooklyn instead, honey."


	8. Check n4201 785 98

**_Mother, what should be my answer?_**

**_Yes, my darling daughter_**

_August 1987, The Hamptons_

_She took a deep breath and closed her eyes; palms of her hands on her lap, trying to make them stop shaking. The sun was piercing through the window of the abbey and caressed thus her cheeks warmly. She would have enjoyed it a lot in other circumstances, as well as the architecture of the place. It reminded her of Scotland where at the very far end of a lonely road, an old house appeared from nowhere, its gray stones matching the green of the grass and the stormy sky. Or at least it was the image she had of this country where a part of her roots had been left behind once. _

_She would go there before dying, a thousand times or a furtive afternoon but at least she wouldn't let regrets inhabit her soul, invade her heart. Life was too short to miss out some dreams._

_A little door on a side got opened; she didn't move. The clinking of her heels on the floor made her shiver but she pretended not to be affected by it, by her presence in the room. After all she had based a large part of her life looking for some virtual escape from her so she could do it just one more time. She let her sit down on a stool in a religious silence._

_"Kiki, are you alright? Everyone is waiting for you. He is waiting for you…"_

_She looked up in the mirror and locked her eyes with her mother's. What did they know exactly from each other? As much as they had spent a relatively long time together, she had the feeling that her mother remained in a complete fog made of arguments and misunderstandings. She was a stranger who had given life to her and that was all. _

_She followed Lois' gaze gaze down her own dress and shrugged, suddenly intimidated. _

_"You're beautiful, Karen."_

_A compliment; she almost waited for the harsh comment that logically should have come up just after it then finally swallowed back her ridiculous anger. For once she had been sincere._

_"Thank you…"_

_"So are you…"_

_"Do you think it is right? Maybe it's too early; after all I only met him in April. I just don't want to screw up another marriage. Perhaps we should have waited."_

_Her mother rolled her eyes, exasperated, before sighing loudly and clutched her manicured nails in her bare shoulders._

_"Karen, what's wrong with you? You've been given a second chance to make something of your life and yet you're still having doubts? What is it in your head that ruins everything like that? He's wealthy and has an excellent situation now tell me what is scaring you right now!"_

_"But my love life…"_

_"Oh, come on! Who's speaking about love? Stop being sentimental and for once get some sense! Have you still not understood what it is all about? Now make yourself presentable and get married. One day you will thank me for that, darling."_

_She divorced six months later._

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"Do you want some coffee or a tea?"

She looked at the backyard through the window of the tiny kitchen. A cat was sat down on the very top of a pile of bricks, enjoying the sun of the end of the day. She frowned and nodded, cleared her voice.

"A tea would be great, thank you."

"A sugar free black tea, isn't it? Unless you changed…"

Lois' comment surprised her but an absurd pride hid it very well behind a ton of appearances and she just made a slight inclination of the head; her hands twisted nervously on her lap. She felt uncomfortable; not at the right place, not at the right time with the right person. She still had in mind Will's kisses on her neck and it troubled her a lot, weakened her concentration.

After a long moment of silence, the mug finally came to warm up her hands but she still couldn't look straight at her mother.

"Do you want some cookies? I just made them."

Karen scoffed and laughed nastily.

"Since when do you make cookies?"

She bit her lower lip and shook her head, apologizing for the rudeness of her tone.

"I'm sorry…"

"It's ok. I understand."

"No, it's not. It was just mean."

She had arrived in Brooklyn without really knowing what to do in the first place, what to say. She had knocked on the door of the brown house wishing nothing but her mother not to be there but Lois had opened almost immediately and no matter twenty minutes or so had already passed by, her brain remained completely blank. Perhaps the words simply vanished when they were too many dancing in your head.

"Listen, Karen… I didn't want to create any conflict. Jack just asked me to come over for your birthday and so I thought…"

Karen's fist landed loudly on the table and stopped Lois' explanations abruptly. Angry tears were lightening up her hazel eyes; she was shaking, her breath too loud.

"Damn it but do you never respect some rules in your fucking existence? You spend your whole time harassing people with principles they should follow but how dare you to do that since you don't even own one? You ruined my life, mom… Do you ever realize that? You ruin my life and the worst of all is that I still love you more than anything and I miss you so badly…"

She burst into tears but didn't care that much at the end. She was exhausted, frustrated and so confused that she had come to the point her tension had to go out, no matter how.

"And the loss of your father turned me upside down. I never really overcame it… I know what I did but you have no idea how I regret it."

In an awkward motion Lois put down her mug on the table and took her daughter in her arms, slowly; wondering all along if she actually deserved it. She passed her hand through Karen's hair and planted a kiss on the top of her head.

"I love you, Kiki."

The minutes took away both women's pain, harsh regrets. And when they finally found back an ounce of quietness, Lois smiled shyly.

"So what are you doing in two weeks?"


	9. Check n4201 786 07

**_Oh mama, oh mama_**

**_Oh mama, oh mama_**

_March 1989, New York City_

_She put back the glass on the counter of the bar and stared at it blankly, vaguely balancing its emptiness. She might have been drinking a bit too much lately; not in the hope to forget something but simply following an odd habit like a good-night kiss. Besides she had just turned thirty and her life didn't really look like the dreams she used to have once. She sighed, leaned her chin on the palm of her hand and rolled her eyes._

_"You're going to put on weight if you keep on drinking like that, Kiki."_

_"I don't mind."_

_Her mother grabbed the glass and poured some more vodka in it. It was her shift that night and The Rainbow Room was crowded. Someone was celebrating a birthday, unless it was a wedding; she couldn't say anymore for the alcohol having got her mind blurry._

_Since her last divorce, something had broken in the tumultuous rhythm of her life. She barely went out anymore and when she actually did, she went straight for her mother whose comments only ended up getting on her nerves. People who had been assimilated to her friends once had mysteriously disappeared and as soon as she had taken off her wedding ring, her phone had remained quiet; invitations had ceased to rush in her agenda. She had always known about the high society's hypocrisy but she had secretly hoped that she wouldn't have to deal with it one day. Maybe in another life…_

_"Damn, do something Karen! I can't tolerate to see you in such a bad state. It's a waste of time and… A waste of life! Go to a nightclub, hit the dance floor and meet someone!"_

_She wished it'd have been so easy, so perfect like in some fairy tale that she used to read as a child. The failure of her second marriage seemed to have weighed a lot on her so-called self-confidence and she had been left with nothing but the sentiment that, wherever she went to, she didn't feel at the right place._

_"No, I'm going to go back home and… I don't know, just read a book. I'm tired anyway and not ready at all for any kind of relationship."_

_"Even with this one?"_

_Lois moved her head and pointed out discreetly at a man entering the room on their left. He wasn't good-looking at all, kind of fat and a little bald. But he had something in spite of all; an odd charm you couldn't deny. Instinctively her hazel eyes got fixed on his left hand; she sighed._

_"He's married."_

_Her mother shrugged and scoffed._

_"And so what?"_

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Of course Stanley had had to turn down the invitation, giving her some poor excuse just to avoid a weekend in Vermont with a large part of her family. The problem was that she had already accepted in an attempt to make the peace with her mother; but she would never go there alone, not after all these years of a constant, icy communication with her relatives. Somehow she wished she actually didn't have a family.

She had immediately thought about him then before realizing how crazy it was to bring her lover to some reunion of that sort but at least she knew that she would enjoy being with him and Jack, for once, couldn't really fit in the seriousness that the role implied. He had said yes; she didn't have felt relieved though.

She closed the door of her bedroom and went straight to the large windows overlooking the mountains. It was snowing and the journey had lasted a lot more than what they had thought in the first place. She was exhausted but so nervous that she knew way too well it would be impossible for her to close her eyes and actually get some rest. What would they say about the strange couple her and Will belonged to? Still lost in the contemplation of the white landscape, Karen began to play with her wedding band; then frowned.

She needed limits for the only pleasure not to respect them.

Someone knocked on the door and she tried to ignore it. She just wanted to be alone and think, wonder about a thousand things that would finally lead her to a complete state of confusion.

"Karen, it's me. Can I come in?"

Her absence of reply got understood as affirmative and the door flew open, breaking her furtive moment of loneliness. She might take a bath then, just to come back to her quiet state of mind, vaguely troubled though.

Will entered, holding in his hands two different shirts. She only looked at him through the reflection on the window.

"What do you want, honey?"

"Do I disturb you?"

"Not really… Just tell me why you're here."

"Black or gray… Which one do you prefer?"

"Gray but you have to wear your black cashmere sweater with it. It suits you better."

The words had slid along her lips in a neutral tone, a tired one. She turned around and looked at him properly, wishing nothing but undressing him. She didn't want to have sex; it was purely instinctive as soon as she saw Will. The idea sounded sad but she pretended not to care.

"It's not too gloomy? I don't know… It might be a little too black."

One, two, three; she swallowed hard.

"Lock the door."

"Excuse me?"

In a fluid and unexpected movement, she took off her dress and raised a mischievous eyebrow at Will.

"I said, lock the door. And fuck me."

She had never been so harsh, so crude. He nonetheless obeyed in a silent motion and she shivered as her bare back hit the window under the weight of his arms on her waist.

Always deep kisses...


	10. Check n4201 786 24

_**What if he should insist on one embrace, mama,  
How can I keep him in his place**_

_January 1992, Shelter Island_

_A friend; she had started hating the status for a very long time yet, probably as soon as they had crossed those limits and plunged with a delicate desire into the carnal satisfaction of an affair. But the months had passed by _ the years _ and her frustration had grown silently. She needed more, a sort of reconnaissance perhaps. Was she in love with him? All she actually knew was that she could barely spend a day far from him. Stanley was a high social class drug and she had turned addicted._

_She felt like she was part of the furniture though like an old armchair that nobody really noticed; no matter its presence was evident, logical. He went to a party; she was there, in the dark, waiting for a smile, the slightest gesture of care. She was just an 'old friend'. _

_Sometimes she wondered how Cathy couldn't have doubts or if she simply pretended all along not to know about her husband's infidelity. All those so-called business trips, the nights spent out without even any excuse, she should have guessed something. But the worst of all was the way she always smiled and opened her arms warmly as if she was actually receiving the visit from a very good friend of her. Cathy was nice, too nice and it immediately set off a wave of burning guilt. _

_The first time she had seen Stanley's wife, she had frozen and blinked, unable to understand why he had still chosen her over the tall, skinny blonde he had married. Cathy was perfect when she was absolutely nothing. But three years in the shadows of a shameful life had plunged her sentiments in a boiling, confusing anger and she had started hating her, as wel as all the rest; the way she was supposed to stay so quiet about her affair. She wanted to be able to hold his hand, to kiss him in public without dreading people's reactions. Stanley kept on promising but he hadn't changed yet the slightest bit. _

_Second time on Shelter Island, second time alone with a glass of Champagne while her lover was having fun and sharing his room with someone else… She had grown so tired lately that for the very first time, she had advanced the idea to put a deadline to his so-called dreams of another life, with her. She just lacked courage and would always do anyway._

_The party was settled in an old Victorian manor overlooking the sea. The landscape was actually breathtaking, especially by night since the boats seemed to be dancing on the dark waters in a trail of fragile lights. She had needed fresh air, getting bored inside. Stan had barely paid attention to her and the childish behavior she adopted with him and turned her impatience into an atrocious anger so she had stepped outside; on the terrace. Would she ever feel as a part of the rest of the crowd?_

_The quietness of her contemplation got broken by the weight of his steps, so heavy on the floor. She sighed, exasperated and happy; she always went into antithesis with him._

_"I think we should spend some time apart. I think we need a break. I'm leaving, honey."_

_"Marry me."_

_What were three years in a whole life but a ridiculous amount of time? She still had seen them like an eternity, a sort of labyrinth in which she was trapped. She had just found the exit. She never realized that he proposed her the exact after her having decided to break up with him; maybe existence was based on a matter of minute, a very precise synchronization of a whole series of events. _

_Unless he was just addicted and she couldn't really blame him._

Check n°4201 786 24

"Adultery; the word in itself sounds so appealing. I guess we would all be hypocritical if we didn't recognize that the idea crossed our minds more than once. I just wonder how you settle it, how you come to succumb to the bitterness of an affair and how it turns out to be. We mostly see it as casual sex but what do the lovers do in the meantime? Do they ever speak about themselves, their relation, or simply avoid the subject for it being shameful? Nobody is proud to be unfaithful. Nobody likes the idea of it but it's a trap, a dizzy one. And once you're in, you can barely stop it from happening. The two people are not a traditional couple but do they analyze their situation? Do they actually know the reason why they decided to sleep together? I wish I had a lover, just to get my answers…"

"I don't see why they should talk about their situation when the others barely do for a public relationship. Do you really talk with your husband about the reason why you ended up with him and not another one? Of course it might be because you love him but it's also a matter of fate and then you stop wondering about it. You like him, he likes you; end of the conversation. Talking about your relation is intimidating and awkward, that's why we all stay quiet over it; affair or love story."

"I guess the reason why you end up having an affair is classic… You get bored of your marriage, it doesn't work out anymore and so you can find this sparkling fame in the arms of some man; such an old feeling we're all dying for. What do they need to speak about their relation? It's purely sexual, just there to full a deep sentiment of frustration and loneliness. It's an act of despair… What do you think about it, Lois?"

Leaned against the wall of the living-room, she shrugged and narrowed her eyes. She had been listening very carefully at the conversation her sister was sharing with her cousin but her eyes had remained on her daughter who was speaking with Will on the other side of the room. The beats of her heart had speeded up their pace and she had started shaking before the well-known of sensation of witnessing a prohibited scene. The way Karen looked at Will, the way their eyes got locked… Lois took a sip of her Martini then bit her lower lip.

Something was happening; her daughter had never been so good at hiding things.


	11. Check n4201 786 36

_**If his manner becomes a shade improper?  
Tell him that your heart belongs to papa**_

_September 1992, Salt Lake City_

_Growing in boredom, she got up and left the bed; headed to the large window. The place was so quiet that she didn't stop singing in her head just not to fall asleep and spend more hours in dreams of frustration. After a couple of minutes, a slow shiver ran down her spine and she suddenly realized that she was still naked. Stanley had left five hours earlier but she hadn't moved, barely lived as a matter of fact. And she had kept in mind their so-called honeymoon in Utah that by a fortunate coincidence matched perfectly well her new husband's business meeting. _

_What was it that every time she got married, her excitement ended up crashing down on the ground and then she felt empty, lifeless somehow? She always had regrets, doubts; felt uncomfortable. Her mother used to say that she was just a perpetual unsatisfied person and so she actually found some balance in her silent complains, wishing nothing but the others taking pity of her case. Perhaps she was right after all… She hadn't had a good laugh for a very long time, had barely smiled on the pictures of her wedding and she had lost a lot of weight just wondering what was going wrong with her; why everything seemed so gray and monotone. _

_Depression; she turned around and rushed to the bathroom as if for escaping from the word in itself. She would never accept the eventuality of such an idea. It meant too many things, dark ones; way too close to a sharp reality. _

_She headed out of the shower, got dressed and grabbed a briefcase before leaving the suite of the hotel. Stanley wouldn't be back for diner so she had all her time to get bored in a city she had always hated, lost in the middle of nowhere. She crossed the lobby and frowned; it was raining. _

_The tea room was almost empty at this time of the day. She sat down at a table shyly; not that she was particularly thirsty but she needed to go out of their room where the atmosphere had become oppressive and gloomy during Stanley's absence. She ordered a coffee, opened the briefcase and took out of it some sketches. _

_She was concentrated on a green bathroom of her future penthouse when a well-known voice made her jump and she rolled her eyes, exasperated._

_"Well, well, well… Isn't that our dear Karen? What's your last name these days?"_

_"Walker; my name is Karen Walker."_

_It sounded right actually. She smiled, getting more self-confidence before the reassuring realization. She looked at the tiny man and winced._

_"How are you, Beverley? I thought you were in Madrid."_

_"Salt Lake City is a lot more entertaining."_

_She had met him a decade ago at some reception hosted by a mysterious writer. She had immediately liked his eccentricity and the lightness of his hypocrisy; He wasn't as strong as he seemed to pretend; just like her but she was better than him at playing along. They had become friends very quickly, going out at nightclubs together until the first hours of the morning. His joyful presence had made her bear a hard reality and she had cruelly got away from him little by little as soon as she had got married. _

_They had never talked about it, just turned into best enemies. _

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"Karen I want to talk to you about something… It's been on my mind for quite a while yet; since you came to this weekend with your friend Will. I just… Well, I just need to know something. It's none of my business but I can't… I'm your mother. I just don't want you to get hurt. Please call me back when you get this message, Kiki. I love you."

He grabbed her thigh as his lips captured her bare shoulder in a passionate kiss. She smiled; bit the inside of her mouth not to scream out loud. As much as this time they had landed in a very good hotel, she still didn't want people next door to get some clue about her own privacy. The palm of her hand made contact with his lower back and she pushed him deeper inside of her, squeezed his waist tighter. It was all about this fusion, skin-to-skin; shivering together under the intensity of their feelings.

She would never grow tired of Will's body.

He stole her sigh in his mouth as a wave of warmness spread over her whole body.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Guess what. She wants to move to Japan."

Karen slid with fluidity on the bed then rolled on her back as she found herself face-to-face with Will. She was completely naked, revealing her body to her friend with a disturbing easiness. Her foot went up his leg; she caressed his knee and kept on talking.

"She says it's what she has always wanted but I know she's lying. Damn, I've been living with her for so long… This is just another stupid, ridiculous whim!"

She found comfort in those conversations even though most of the times it looked more like a soliloquy but she knew he was listening; and felt concerned too somehow. After the fiasco of her birthday and her confessions over a Martini, Will had turned into a sweet whisperer of advices and she appreciated his words, the quietness of his decisions. She wished she weren't so impulsive.

"Do you think she will go there?"

Karen raised an eyebrow; her foot passed on his inner thigh mischievously, nonchalantly.

"She's saving money…"

In a failed motion she tried to hide the bitterness of her reply but her laugh sounded false, artificial. As much as she would claim that she knew her mother very well, the truth was that she had no idea about the real Lois. The years of arguments had frozen the process and all she was able to say about her mother was that if she actually left for another country, then Karen would miss her very badly.

But of course, she would never recognize it.


	12. Check n4201 786 68

**_Mother, would it be exciting?_**

**_Yes, my darling daughter_**

_March 1994, New York City_

_The rain was pouring with strength as if it were taking away in its whirl of drops the depth of their quiet sentiment, caressing their faces with a rare intensity. The trees seemed to be vanishing in the background, absorbed by the gray of the sky. She swallowed hard, bit her lower lip and crossed her fingers subconsciously._

_"__Let me ask you one thing. Do you think - after we've dried off, after we've spent lots more time together - you might agree *not* to marry me? And do you think not being married to me might maybe be something you could consider doing for the rest of your life?"_

_A tear ran down her cheek but she ripped it off immediately, ashamed by her own reaction. The truth was that she had found it extremely romantic; with the awkward sincerity of some logic we barely dare to share just in case reality would break it into pieces. The few minutes left flew away in the sweetness of the scene and when she stepped out of the movie theater, looked all around, she frowned before an odd realization that everything was wrong. _

_Hands in the pockets of her coat, she went up Fifth Avenue absent-mindedly, still focalized on Hugh Grant's declaration of love to Andie McDowell. What if he were right at the end? What if marriage wasn't an essential part of life?_

_The window stores passed in front of her eyes in a complete indifference as the last scene of Four Weddings and a Funeral danced in her head dizzily. When she was six years old, her mother had bought her a small wedding dress and she used to wear it on Sundays, imagining that she was about to marry some prince; with an excellent situation, of course. It was all a matter of education, an existence she had been taught as logical and evident. She had married three times, it wasn't a coincidence; as much as she had difficulties to get on well with her mother, some notions remained as bases of her way of thinking. _

_It hadn't even crossed her mind that she could keep on living without being married; until that day, in front of a big screen, in the darkness of some Manhattan movie theater._

_She reached her penthouse, passed the door and landed softly on an armchair in the large living-room overlooking Central Park. She still had her coat on, her bag blankly clutched to her hands. _

_"What are you doing in the dark, Karen?"_

_Stanley's voice made her jump and she turned around, smiled timidly at him. She hadn't turned the lights on._

_"I was just thinking, honey…"_

_"Is this too much to ask you about the nature of your thoughts?"_

_She shrugged, passed her fingers over the fur of her coat._

_"Happiness and marriage… Do we really need to get married in order to be happy? Does marriage always bring joy? Obviously it doesn't when we see how many people get a divorce…"_

_"And are you happy with me?"_

_"I guess so."_

_She didn't smile though. She was troubled._

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Lois studied the room before locking back her eyes with Karen's and smiling at her nervously. Apart from a couple at a table near the counter of the bar, the place was empty and extremely quiet; a bit too much, perhaps. She grabbed the sugar paper and began to play with it then took a deep breath.

"Is everything alright, Kiki? You look tired."

"I'm fine but please, go straight to the point and tell me the reason why you wanted to see me in the first place. I'm not in the mood for a roundabout debate."

"For how long have you been married to Stan, now? It's been quite a while…"

"We've been together for almost a decade, why? Is it because he didn't come to the weekend in Vermont? He's very busy, so many business trips… It's just a regular routine. That doesn't mean we're going through a crisis. Besides I came with Will so the weekend was okay for me. I enjoyed my time; I really did."

She had replied with a very well-controlled indifference but the sparkle in her eyes as soon as she pronounced Will's name betrayed what Lois had been dreading all along. Now it was all about bringing it into the conversation with delicacy; hard time.

"And Will is a very nice person. You two seem to be very close friends, aren't you?"

"What do you mean exactly? I said that you had to go straight to the point, damn it!"

Karen was offended and her dry reply only made the situation look even more complicated to her mother. She wasn't a susceptible person but whenever her so-called strong bases were touched, Karen only found self-defense in an offensive tone.

"I'm not here to tell you what to do or not, Karen. This is not my role, not anymore. But you're married and it's an institution you're not supposed to play with. If something goes wrong in it then it's better to speak about it but don't screw it up like that or you're going to get hurt some time."

"I don't know what you're talking about and I don't want to know. Aren't you the one who never stopped feeding me with wedding stories and happily married couples like in some stupid fairy tale? The truth is that I've been married longer than you so I have more experience in it. You're not in a good measure to give the slightest advice about it to me."

"I am not…"

"Yes, you are. Listen: I got married, I have plenty of money, I own a penthouse and several buildings in the city so according to your ideal of life, I succeeded. Now the rest, whatever it might be, is none of your business and this is the only freedom in a life that you've been controlling from the very beginning to now tha I have so let me fucking live and get away from me!"

Karen stood up violently; her chair shrieking on the floor and getting the attention of the young waitress leaned against the door. She grabbed her bag and nervously threw a bill of twenty on the table before rushing out. She turned on her right, on her left and finally stopped against the wall of an unknown building. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes. She pictured Will out.

Her hands were shaking.


	13. Frozen transactions

**_Mother, do I look inviting?_**

**_Yes, my darling daughter_**

_January 1995, New York City  
_

_She didn't even dare to look at him and simply shook her head, exhausted to be in a constant habit of failure. She felt Stanley's arms wrap her tiny frame with awkwardness; he was as bad as her at showing his sentiments._

_"I'm sorry."_

_His lips planted a light kiss on her head. She closed her eyes under the touch and swallowed back the effervescence of a pointless illusion. _

_"Perhaps next time…"_

_"There won't be a next time, Stan. It's over now. I don't even want to think about it anymore."_

_"You say that because you're disappointed."_

_"No, I say that because I'm tired and my stubbornness has some limits."_

_She threw the pregnancy test in a trashcan and made her way to the greenhouse. Perhaps she should have waited for a couple of days before buying the stick. It wouldn't have changed the result but at least they would have spent January, 12th in a less tense atmosphere. She didn't even feel like celebrating her birthday party anymore. _

_The rain had started pouring a couple of hours earlier and the sky was so gray than when she looked up at it, the pale light made her blink, vaguely blinded. Whenever she felt down, she used to go upstairs to the greenhouse; far from everything, from everyone. She loved the quietness of the place, the thousand plants she had bought through the years. She could spend hours sat down on an old armchair, reading some novel or simply daydreaming of a life she should have chosen at some point but that for some reason she had let go away and now it was too late. _

_She had never taken the right decisions, about anything. It might explain at the end why she didn't manage to have a baby. Her body simply refused for being so unhappy. _

_The bottle of vodka caressed her lips as the liquid ran down her throat and burnt her lungs with an acid regret. All she had to do now was to drink and the day would vanish in a fog of unrealistic movements._

_Her sister had given birth to a boy four months earlier; her brother had already five children. Her absence of motherhood didn't sound right and one more time she felt apart, different. Her mother stayed unexpectedly quiet on the subject but the way her eyes used to sparkle as soon as she spoke about her grandchildren was enough to make Karen feel uncomfortable, wrong. _

_The door of the greenhouse opened. Stanley came in; she didn't move. She loved the sweetness of his gestures as soon as she was sad, the way he took her in his arms; rub her back. It brought a sentiment of reassurance to her broken heart. _

_"Karen… Maybe it would be good for you to have something to focalize on out of the house. I've been thinking about it lately and…"_

_"I'm not into charity things, honey."_

_"How about a job?"_

_She didn't try to sound offended, scoff with exaggeration. She locked her eyes with his and nodded, knowing perfectly what he meant._

Frozen transactions, please contact your bank for further information

His fingers slid on her buttocks as he unzipped her skirt and took it off, the fabric brushing her legs in a seductive motion. Will was sat on the bed; she was standing up, letting him undress her like a rag doll turned into a one-night bimbo. She abandoned her high heels on the floor and leaned her head backwards, closed her eyes as his lips made contact with her inner thighs.

The luxury of sex in the darkness of a hotel room lost in the depths of Manhattan, the sound of the traffic passing in the street below, getting mixed with the sighs of the lovers and the fusion of their bodies; having an affair was deliciously addicting.

He unhooked her bra, his face still plunged between her legs. She bit her lower lip, pushed him closer.

Why would she ever stop her unfaithful motions? Why would they ever put an end to the vital satisfaction brought up by a silent embrace? It was nobody's business. Besides they were happy like that so the rest didn't really matter.

Grace, Jack, Stanley, her mother; they didn't belong to the same universe, the one they lived day after day, on the other side of the door of their lust and desires.

He pushed her down on the mattress and passed on top of her. She arched her back as his tongue made contact with her flesh, swallowed back a heavy sigh. She loved holding her breath in the most intense moments. It was exciting, exactly what she needed. A dizzy sensation invaded her body and she abdicated to his ministrations with impatience, an ounce of subtlety in the way her fingers were running through his hair.

She had turned down her husband's invitation, hadn't replied to her mother's messages. It was all about Will and the strength of a couple of prohibited feelings; anything to shiver in his arms, against his own body and making one with the essence of his cadenced heart.

She bit his earlobe as his kisses made their way to her neck and she squeezed his waist, asking in silence for a more intimate closeness.

"Happy anniversary, honey…"

Her breath brushed his skin; he captured her lips.

She had given her whole life to principles that barely made sense at the end, just listening to people's advices, more or less wise if she had to be honest; a wedding, another one, money, always more, alcohol, drugs, arguments. It was just a pointless series of absurd elements supposed to bring her some balance. She had abdicated and let the others get a hand on her life.

Game over; play again.

So it might have sounded sad but her three-year affair with Will was actually all she had.


	14. Silent transactions

**_If he holds me tight, mama darling_**

**_And my knees just turn to water_**

_April 1995, New York City_

_His name was Will. She had seen him twice in her life, a single day, but he was yet invading her mind, stealing her thoughts in a dizzy motion. _

_She hadn't imagined that once married, she would ever be able to reach such feelings about someone else than her husband. The band on her finger, the vows, everything was supposed to settle down her choices if not for the rest of her life, at least for quite a while. Stanley was so nice with her, perfect in his own way; for a couple of seconds she wished their couple had been bad. The rest would have sounded fairer, not so troubling. _

_But Will appeared in her life and all of a sudden she forgot everything; her heavy past and the impressive amount of pills, the drinks she could barely count at the end of a dark evening. It was nobody's fault but the way her existence had to be. He was gay; she wanted him. End of the conversation and her logic vanished. _

_It turned very quickly into an oppressive obsession where the sweetness of friendship found a resonance in their smiles, the way they were getting closer while the time was passing by. It wasn't innocent, her gestures were well-controlled and whenever she looked at her reflection in a mirror, the shame troubled her gaze; broke her so-called pride into pieces._

_"Have you ever cheated on someone?"_

_"I have principles, Kiki. And infidelity doesn't belong to them unless you want to ruin everything. What's going on? You have a perfect life with Stanley, why are you trying to screw it up like that? This is not the way I taught you things, darling."_

_Whenever her mother spoke about education, a burning wound seemed to open painfully her heart and she swallowed hard, barely restraining a moan of despair. She had another drink instead. Maybe it was too easy but she didn't have enough strength to fight and assume her feelings. _

_Why did she always go towards her when she knew how her mother's advices would go on her nerves? She never renounced though; stubbornness or absurdity? _

_"I think I have to go. Don't try to call me."_

_How many times did she hope that her mother would stop her and grab her wrist?_

_It never happened and three months later, she found herself in bed with Will._

Silent transactions

"What is it all about? I don't understand… I wish I did though but it's too hard, too complicated and so scaring at the end. I hatefully love my secrets. They weigh me down and bring me a joy that you can barely imagine. Perhaps I was born to live a constant antithesis; no matters how stressing it is, how weird and confusing. I don't dare to say it out loud because I don't want to face what it means. The years are running against me, winning over our silent game. When does it cease to be futile? When do we realize that it's too late and so for whatever reason, we keep on pretending? We went too far, since the very beginning. But the worst part in this story isn't the guilt I have to be in a permanent need of my adultery but the fact my mother knows about it and it's almost impossible for me to admit that she's been right about it."

Karen cleared her voice, looked down at the hardwood floor and the patterns of the Eastern carpet. They used to have the same at their home in Georgia when she was eight; unless she was nine… She frowned and shook her head. She couldn't even remember her own life. It sounded sad.

"I don't like the idea of it; all these lies we have been saying for so long. I'm betraying my closest friends, my husband who has nothing to be blame for. I feel trapped, addicted to him somehow. We tried to go away from each other but it never really worked out. I guess we stopped making a difference between the failure of the affair and the attempts to get out of it. I feel dizzy by then, like taken away in an invisible whirl of what should be casual sex but that at the end, we both know it owns something more. Or we wouldn't go on; we would be able to draw a line under what would be a sort of mistake. I don't know what to think. We don't speak about it, never. I'm so afraid that the day we do, the spell will break into pieces and I will be left alone with my regrets to have lost Will."

She shrugged.

"It's his name… He just calls me Karen and I love it."

She put a hand over her eyes to protect her fragile gaze against the bright sun as she stepped out of the building. The room wasn't in the darkness, on the contrary. It was located on the third floor of a brownstone and took advantage of the limpid light of the day. But it was always the same as soon as she left the place; as if her session stole the perception she had of the most basic elements of life and she got surprised then while facing them again.

"How did it go?"

Stanley kissed her temple and passed an arm around her waist. She shrugged, dared a timid smile.

"I think Jack and I will go to do some shopping tomorrow. I need a break, I need…"

Karen shook her head and stopped walking; locked her eyes with her husband's. She hadn't heard from her mother for weeks.

"Do you think she left yet?"

"I thought you were still angry with her…"

"I am. I will always be but… Our conversation got suspended and we didn't finish it. I don't like that at all. Besides, I need to know what she really thinks."

"About what?"

She passed her tongue over her lips and looked at the other side of the quiet street; went back to walk. Her steps settled down her silence and Stanley didn't insist.


	15. Application form

**_Mama must I keep on dancing?_**

**_Yes, my darling daughter_**

_December 1997, Pennsylvania _

_She turned her anger into a powerful desire and used to kiss him roughly; with an ounce of despair and an odd, singular sweetness. Sometimes she felt like he was all she actually needed and no matter she was married, it sounded true enough to be lived. So she got lost in her head, wandering through her fantasies and what if she had met him earlier, what if the circumstances had been different. She just had had a crush at the end; a pure fling towards Will._

_They made love everywhere, at any moment. As soon as their blood began to boil in their veins, they managed to ease the adrenalin released by their brains through the intensity of their thrusts, the depth of their kisses. And still breathless, more or less naked according to the place, they came back then to a casual conversation with a disturbing easiness as if the scene weren't supposed to change the slightest thing._

_Her fingertips brushed the old desk. She looked up at the photos hung on the wall, the old posters. Time seemed to have got suspended all of a sudden and the bedroom would have been mourning Will's departure two decades ago for college; never evolving since then. _

_Karen sat down on the edge of the bed and raised a disappointed eyebrow._

_"This is quite a boy bedroom…"_

_Her remark made him laugh. Someone passed in the corridor; he held his breath, dreading the fact they could be caught up._

_"It's just a room, pretty impersonal at the end you know. I was pretending to be someone by then, trying to fit in the crowd."_

_"You even made your job of that."_

_"I think I'm good at lying."_

_She closed her eyes as his lips made contact with her neck and he murmured against her ear._

_"Merry Christmas, Karen…"_

_The house was plunged in a heavy silence, punctuated by the strength of the wind blowing outside and the snowstorm that had prevented them from coming back to New York. They were trapped at his parents' house, vaguely dizzy before the reminiscence of a very old past they hadn't shared._

_"Your bed is too tiny to do anything here, honey."_

_"Then the floor's waiting…"_

_The door didn't even lock. Were they crazy or just pushed by the odd desire to always cross the limits?_

Application form for a new bank account

She quickly cast a glance at the door and grabbed the pillow; looked at her reflection in the mirror. She had always loved the lines, the new shapes it brought to her body. This was a game she had been playing too for a very long while. Her father was still alive and yet she was thinking about it, secretly; for some reason she didn't want people to know about her curiosity. She turned on her side and observed her profile before passing a hand over her falsely swollen stomach.

What kind of sensation did it stir up as soon as the baby moved, even slightly? She was intrigued, perplexed and vaguely scared before something she could barely imagine.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing…"

She turned her back at Jack and took off the pillow from under her top then tossed it on the bed. She cleared her voice, a bit ashamed. Of course her gesture didn't pass unnoticed and Jack giggled nervously, following with his eyes the journey of the pillow from her stomach to the mattress.

"Is there something I should know?"

"I don't think so. I was just daydreaming, big deal."

She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and rushed to her closet. She had been trying skirts for a couple of hours now, vaguely trying to fight against the boredom of the manse. She hadn't put back any piece of clothing and now a multitude of colors was lightening the room in a patchwork of fabrics. She grabbed a Chanel skirt and pretended to put it back at the right place. She needed to pretend to be busy; she always hoped that the situation would get easier then.

"Karen Walker, you are a big mystery of complicated feelings and furtive appearances. You never say what's in your mind. You never confess anything… And as much as you keep on saying that your life is alright, there's always this little something in your eyes or in the way you smile. You're not a very good liar. I'm sorry. So now tell me about your story."

"Is she already here?"

The lightness of Jack's tone vanished immediately as he shook his head and pressed her shoulder with his hand.

Growing in frustration, Karen sighed and started pacing the room pointlessly. All the elements were dancing in her head, making it all blurry and incomprehensible. She felt dizzy, weak and nervous. Her heart was tightened by the fear to end it up with another argument. The rules were clear this time though and if it turned badly, then she would draw a line under her mother's presence and weight in her life.

"Honey, can you just tell me why I'm doing all this? I must be sick or crazy for always coming back to her like that… This is sad and a very desperate attempt to reach something that actually never existed. I'm… That doesn't make any sense, you know."

The doorbell resounded loud in the silence of the penthouse. Karen swallowed hard and took a deep breath.

"I just wish she weren't so important to me."

She bit her lower lip and shook her head bitterly.


	16. End of transactions

**_What if he'll persist, mama darling_**

**_Doing things he hadn't oughta_**

_August 1998, The Bahamas_

_She hadn't felt it come, hadn't measured anything at all from their growing closeness to the seriousness of their talk. She was just enjoying the soft breeze of the island on her nape, the soft sensation of the sand on her feet, along her spine when she put on a shirt in the darkness of a warm evening. The summer was going on smoothly through a veil of lies, a thousand moans and the moonlight sliding on their bare skin; just like the other times._

_That must be why she got surprised all of a sudden; and their so balanced routine broke into pieces._

_"What is it about Scotland that you always talk about it?"_

_She smiled at him and shrugged, a bit disarmed. The waves were crashing somewhere in the background but the night was darker. There wasn't any star in the sky._

_"When we were living in California, my mother told me that a part of my family came from Scotland; that it was a very far country, very different, green and rainy. From then on I developed a fascination towards it and curiously enough I've never been there yet. I want to see the lakes, spend hours contemplating the hills, the heavy clouds over the mountains. I want to visit the castles and get a room at one of those lighthouses-hotels. I just want to understand where I come from; get a reference that will never change, no matters what happens."_

_"What are you waiting for? You could have gone there a million times yet."_

_"I need to go there with the right person who will understand what it really means to me."_

_The abruptness and spontaneity of her confession made her blush. She looked down and let some sand slip through her fingers nervously. She felt like she was a teenager but with the self-confidence of someone who would have lived a lot and experienced so much. _

_"Is Stanley out of the picture?"_

_"He doesn't match this kind of aspiration. Besides, apart from Italy and Greece, he's not fond of Europe."_

_"And if it was me…"_

_"I would leave in the minute."_

_Her blood turned icy as her heartbeats seemed to slow down dangerously, reaching the limits of death. How come she couldn't even control her own sentences? _

_"I mean…"_

_She stood up suddenly and went away, ashamed and troubled by a confession that should have never showed up; in any kind of circumstances._

_They had a break, implicitly. Her words had made them wonder about a couple of things, prohibited ones that only the distance would ease. For two months and a half they didn't share the slightest kiss but a mysterious strength put an end to it; the dead-end choice to come back together and pretend that Karen had never come up with such comment._

End of transactions with the interested person

"I don't want to see you again. I just need a proper closure before we both go on with our respective lives. Somehow I'm glad you leave for Asia. At least I know you won't try to get anything from me, there. It has the credits to be clear since the very beginning."

She might have sounded harsh but deep inside herself Karen was seeing it as bitter truth that had to be said out loud. She did love the woman who had given birth to her but in an odd way; a sort of natural feeling that didn't fit the beats of her heart and so it was too awkward to be fully appreciated.

"You shouldn't be so proud, Karen; so susceptible. I seriously doubt I hurt your feelings but simply troubled your so-called self-confidence. As much as I tried to teach you about the art of lying, you've always been a bad student. You can pretend anything but you have no hold over the way your eyes sparkle as soon as you're touched, moved; as soon as you look at him. I don't know the whole story, why you ended up sleeping with him. I don't mind; it's none of my business. Just be careful of what you're doing, Kiki. You're playing with fire. It's all I have to say. And you could lose a lot if not your whole life at the end. Never underestimate the strength of an affair."

The whole time Lois had been speaking, Karen had dug the skin of her ring finger with her manicured nails, subconsciously. A stitching sensation made her realize that she was slightly bleeding. She brought the injury to her lips, frowned.

The conversation owned something surreal, especially since it took place at her mansion; just a few feet away from her marital bedroom. She felt guilty towards Stanley.

"I know what I'm doing. We know what we're doing."

A weight suddenly vanished from her heart as she revealed for the very first time _ through half-words _ her adultery with Will. She just didn't understand why she kept on confiding so much on the person who had disappointed her the most in her whole life. It didn't make sense at all, just hurt.

"And you have no regret? You feel no guilt?"

"Do you remember the day you had this car crash in Montana?"

Vaguely taken aback, Lois nonetheless nodded and waited for her daughter to go further into her mysterious explanation. Karen smiled bitterly, laughed; shook her head.

"I've never wished so much that you never woke up."

"I'm just saying that you might ruin the beautiful life you worked so hard to get for a childish affair with a friend, that's all."

She didn't even feel like crying this time. Her anger seemed to have reached another level, a higher one; very harsh. She clenched her fists and locked her eyes with her mother's. Her voice was low, hoarse and bitter.

"I got married in the hope that you would finally tell me that I was doing right, that you were satisfied and proud of me. I divorced twice, went back to the altar still having in mind the ridiculous illusion that one day you might change your mind about me. And now, you dare to tell me that I succeeded? I've been cheated on Stanley for three years, with one of my best friends. We're lying to everyone, probably to ourselves… I'm screwing up a life that never made sense to me and this is when you think I actually succeed? You ruined everything and now I'm just a piece of shit thanks to you. So please, forgive me if I never call you again. I just couldn't stand a single minute more with you."

Karen left the room and slammed the door behind her, putting an odd end to the last conversation she would have with her mother.


	17. Ten thousand a month to be pretty

**_Mama, what should be my answer?_**

**_Yes, my darling daughter_**

_November 1967, Idaho_

_Her mother let escape a loud sigh of exasperation that made her jump. She turned her face and looked at her, waiting for an explanation to the sudden reaction. _

_"Drop out this charcoal immediately, Karen. Your fingers are going to be all dark while I just spent an hour trying to make them look vaguely acceptable. Your nails are precious. They need a manicure, not this disgusting piece of carbon. Stop drawing and make yourself presentable. There's no way people come to think that my daughter is a dirty pig. Think about your appearance, damn it!"_

_May 1968, Missouri_

_She fastened her seatbelt as her mother started the engine in a heavy silence. The truth was that she was exhausted. Her ankles hurt; her feet had bled but she had clenched her jaw all along and remained concentrated on the unique goal of such activity, her mother's pride. _

_Shyly, she dared a look at her and understood she had failed, one more time. Her eyes narrowed by a quiet anger, Lois was nervously tapping on the steering-wheel, waiting for the cars to speed up on the interstate highway. _

_"I really wonder what I'm going to do with you, Karen. There's nothing more graceful than dance ballet and all you managed to do today was to look like an elephant in the middle of delicate dolls. You could have made an effort. There were so many parents looking at you, there; onstage. What a shame…"_

_September 1969, Louisiana_

_"Stop eating like that and go out to play with your friends. You need to socialize."_

_"I don't have friends."_

_"Then make some. You're not a baby anymore. You're almost eleven. Damn you're so depressing… Thank God your sister looks like me. You have to start moving and make an effort if you want to do something of your life, Kiki. It's just a question of will."_

_She reluctantly stood up and closed the door behind her. The sun was high in the sky; the air was most. She went for a lonely walk before finally landing at the local, small library. A bit aimlessly she grabbed a book and began to read. When she came back home in the evening, she pretended to have played with some kids. _

_Perhaps it was what she was supposed to do, lying._

_March 1970, New Mexico_

_"And what do you want to do when you grow up?"_

_She put down her fork very slowly and smiled at their guest; then cast a glance at her mother. They had argued a couple of hours earlier, ridiculous things as always. But she was so tired of their constant opposition that she didn't think it twice and let the words come out._

_"I want to get reconnaissance for the work I accomplish and certainly not for some strategic schemes of dubious oddness. In a word I don't want to get married and get lost in the nets of some boring union just because it's how it's supposed to be. I want to have children on my own, without the help of anyone; I just want to fully appreciate the chance I've been given to act according to my own decisions."_

_If she had had to be honest, she would have said that all she actually wanted was to get out of here._

Ten thousand a month to be pretty

She subconsciously smiled as his lips made contact with her bare shoulder and his hand slid on her waist. She didn't move though. It was good to let him do sometimes, just as if her legs and arms didn't respond to her brain anymore and she had turned into a rag doll that got life thanks to him. He wouldn't be a manipulator but simply the man who gave sense to her breath.

Her head leaned backwards against his chest and she closed her eyes. Something was happening in her mind, a sort of confusing whirl of wonders and she didn't know what to think anymore; how to react before the slightest event supposed to dictate her day-to-day life.

"She left this morning, didn't she?"

"I don't want to speak about it. I don't want to speak about anything. Let's just do it."

Karen took off her top and unhooked her bra. She looked up and all of a sudden caught her reflection in the mirror. Will's hand was caressing her breasts slowly as his lips were invading her shoulder blades in a sensual, exciting motion.

She had put on weight, got older. Her features seemed deep and tired but there was still something in her eyes and the vague hope in her head that she was right somehow.

"Am I pretty?"

The question stopped him immediately. She had never mentioned such a thing before; the easiness she had to go on naked in front of him let him understand that she was in peace, in harmony with her body. His brown eyes looked up in the mirror and he locked them with her hazel ones, caressed her cheek.

"I think you're more than pretty. You're beautiful."

"Do you think it's the reason why Stanley married me?"

"You're more than a mere body."

"Not for a lot of people, honey…"

"Then they don't know what they miss."

A couple of seconds flew away in an awkward, unexpected silence set off by her wonders. She finally raised a seductive eyebrow as a soft smile slid on her lips.

"You're such a big flirt, Will. I like it."

She turned around and settled in his arms; her legs wrapped around his waist. She put her forearm on his shoulder and leaned her chin against the palm of her hand; plunged her gaze in his.

"There's something more about you and me, isn't there?

She swallowed hard, taken away by the silent fear weighing on her question; all the things it meant. The pressure got too strong and she rolled her eyes in order to prevent absurd tears from running down her cheeks. Will hugged her tight; she buried her face in his neck, murmured matter-of-factly.

"But I'm married…"


	18. International credit card

**_I asked her and this is what she told me_**

**_Yes, yes, yes_**

_April 1967, California_

_"Pack your things, Kiki. We're leaving."_

_The door got closed in a quick, almost shameful motion and her mother disappeared without any further explanation. She let a couple of minutes pass by, unsure of what was actually happening. How could they already move out since they had just arrived? It didn't make sense at all. Troubled, she went to the window and looked at the ocean. The waves were crashing against the rocks with a barely contained anger in a slow and seductive movement. _

_Were they coming back home?_

_October 1968, Oklahoma_

_She entered the living-room and stopped. Her mother was kneeled down on the hardwood floor, looking for something under the couch. Karen cleared her voice and leaned against the wall. Her heart was speeding fast, probably in anticipation of what she already knew would come up._

_"What are you doing, mom?"_

_"Well what do you think I'm doing?"_

_Lois grabbed a suitcase and sighed of satisfaction. She stared at her daughter but looked away quickly; murmured._

_"We're leaving. Go and pack, darling."_

_January 1969, Canada_

_She sat down in the bus and leaned her head against the window; closed her eyes, swallowed back her tears. Everything was so different there, from the accent to the weather and it had been weighing on her shoulders the whole day. And now she felt tired, cold and extremely empty. She shivered; clenched her fists._

_"Are you okay?"_

_She shook her head and kept her eyes closed as her brother sat down next to her. It was always the same on the first day at a new school. Nobody talked to them; they were stared at. _

_"Don't be worried, Karen. It's just a matter of time before…"_

_"I want to go back home."_

_"You'll be there within twenty minutes now."_

_"No, I mean home-home."_

_Her hazel eyes got locked with her twin-brother's. Sometimes she wondered how they could be so different and yet supposed identical. Why did she always have this strange feeling not to belong to the right family? She bit her lower lip, hesitating, but she finally dared to ask the question that had been wandering through her mind for quite a while._

_"Do you think we will ever come back there?"_

_"Open your eyes, Karen. When your life is breaking into pieces all you have to do is leave. We're doing it permanently and will probably always do."_

International credit card

She stepped out of the building and took a deep breath; gasped as her lungs refused to let the air come in. Her mouth was dry, her legs seemed weak and she barely managed to make a step forward to reach the nearest avenue then hail a cab.

It was a sunny, warm day and New York was slowly leaving behind the low temperatures of the long winter. For the very first time people were enjoying their time outside and the streets were crowded, softened by the suave appearance of the spring.

A strand of hair came to caress her lips. She pushed it away and crossed the street blankly. She barely felt the bench under her body as she sat down on it but it's when she put her hands against the wood that she realized she was shaking.

The precipitation of her life seemed to have been suspended within a second and the sudden stop would have hit her hard, like bumping against a wall of brick while still looking behind, running. There was no punishment, no special logic. It was probably just the way it was supposed to be. She closed her eyes; the building opposite the street disappeared.

_When your life is breaking into pieces, all you have to do is leave._

The sudden reminiscence of her brother's comment made her jump. How could she still remember it? She was ten years old by then, lost and homesick. But the years had passed by and the terrible bitterness she had resented had logically faded away, as well as her brother's words. She would have never thought that it would come up back one day.

_When your life is breaking into pieces, all you have to do is leave._

The sentence made its way from her brain to her heart; from her heart to her mind. She blinked and suddenly stood up, hailed a cab.

Karen realized a lot of things that day. Firstly that the existence could be quite unexpected, no matter how hard you tried to control it. There was always a part that escaped to you and more or less soon, it hit you with the harshness of a bitter reality. Secondly, she had never noticed how everything was so related to the time passing by. She needed twenty minutes to reach her penthouse on Madison Avenue, forty minutes more to pack and half an hour to get out of Manhattan. As precipitated as you wanted to act, there was still this lapse of time that made it all go slowly as if it was trying to push you to abandon, drop out your sudden idea.

But what really surprised her at the end is the choice she made while arriving at the airport. She looked up at the screens of the next departures, read meticulously every single destination and settled down on the most ironical city.

Though it was just fair somehow, kind of logical perhaps.

Because no matter how hard and tumultuous your relation with her can be, your mother always remains the base of your references.

_To be continued...  
_


End file.
